The Silence of an Empty Heart
by Q4
Summary: Leo doesn't know how to cope with his first Valentine's Day without Jenny. Season one.


As the car crawled along the Beltway, he glanced out the window at all the people on their way to work. He wondered how many of them were happy in their lives or if most were like him, and just simply alone. He looked away and shook his head to clear out the drab and self pitying thoughts. As the car entered the grounds of the White House, he gathered his briefcase and newspaper, preparing to step out.

He glanced up at the driver as he opened the car door. "Thanks Jeff, see you later."

"You're welcome Mr. McGarry, have a good day."

Leo hesitated for a moment, his features clouding. "Yeah, thanks Jeff."

He closed the car door and quickly ascended the steps as the guards held open the doors, allowing Leo McGarry to enter the White House. He walked down the corridor leading to the West Wing and was almost run over by Donna Moss.

"Sorry Leo..." she muttered as she hurried by, her bright red sweater yet another reminder to him of Valentine's Day.

"No problem..." Leo answered, but Donna didn't hear him.

He shook his head and continued down the corridor toward his office. Margaret was sitting at her desk when he entered. Leo removed his coat and walked to his desk, his diligent assistant following him to brief him on his schedule.

"You have a meeting with the Committee on Human Rights at ten, followed by a staff meeting at eleven and a briefing with Admiral Fitzwallace at eleven-thirty; at twelve you have lunch with Senator Richardson, who would like to discuss the possibility of revisiting the gun bill, but don't let him engage you too long because by one you need to meet with the president, who wants to discuss the tax plan; at two you're scheduled with the Committee for the Betterment of Trees--"

"--What?"

Margaret stared at him, "What, what?"

"The Committee for the Betterment of Trees? Are you joking?"

"Joking no, testing to see if you were actually paying attention to me, yes."

"A comedienne you are not."

"I wasn't trying to be. Leo, you looked like you were a hundred miles away and not hearing a word I was saying. Lately I've been wondering if you ever hear me when I speak, or if everything I do for you is as unappreciated and unnoticed as it appears to be."

Leo looked down at his desk. "Sorry," he muttered.

Margaret stared at him for a moment, realizing that he'd become much harder to read since his breakup with Jenny; there was now a remoteness about him where there used to be a playful yet disciplined imp. She decided he was probably feeling the fallout from the first Valentine's Day with no wife to go home to, and Margaret felt the guilt of her brusqueness spread across her face.

Her voice softened, "Do you need me to change any of your appointments today?"

Leo looked at her sharply and snapped, "Of course not."

"Fine, I was just asking," she answered, rebuked.

He held her eyes for a moment, then looked away, and Margaret stalked back into the outer office. Leo began mindlessly shuffling through the piles of papers on his desk, and he was still pushing papers when Margaret entered his office almost an hour and a half later.

"Leo?"

"Hmmm?"

"What are you doing?"

"Exactly what it looks like I'm doing, Margaret," he growled, "shuffling this pile of papers from over here to over there so that the gears of Federal Government do not grind to a halt."

"It's ten o'clock."

Leo stared at her blankly. Then it hit him, and he stood up quickly, "The Human Rights Committee..."

He grabbed a file folder on his way past Margaret and headed out the door.

"'Thank you, Margaret, you're always so helpful to me,'" Margaret griped in a mocking tone, "'Why yes, Leo I do my job extremely well--'"

Leo stuck his head back in the door, "--Thank you, Margaret, you're always so helpful to me..."

Grinning slightly, he disappeared once again, leaving Margaret to contemplate her embarrassment and the momentary return of the chief of staff she once knew.

* * *

"Leo, we cannot allow acts of barbarism against basic human rights in China to continue," Congressman Stone stated, "this little dance we do with them regarding our trade agreement has got to stop. It's time for our government to put its foot down, right on their heads."

"Yes, right on their heads," Senator Hunter chimed in. "We have to show them the strong arm of the law. If they need a hard slap on the hand to understand that we're serious about this issue, then by God, let's get President Bartlet to do it.

Leo scrutinized the fifty-something woman, "Isn't that as absurdly hypocritical as the right to lifers beating up women seeking abortions in the name of protection for their unborn children?"

"I'm just saying we might need to show a little force."

"Yeah, because that's so darned humanitarian of us..."

Stone broke in once more, "Look, Leo, I know you're between a rock and a hard place here, but we're not getting anywhere. Another embassy bombing could go a long way."

Leo leaned in toward the man, "That was an accident, Congressman, and I don't want to hear otherwise." Leo stood, growling, "This meeting is over."

And in spite of the astonished faces around the table, Leo stalked angrily out of the room.

* * *

CJ, Toby, Sam and Josh were quietly waiting in the Oval when Leo briskly entered.

"No sign of the President yet?"

"Mrs. Landingham said he might be delayed a few minutes, Leo," CJ said.

"Okay," McGarry said tightly.

Josh smiled at his colleagues before addressing his boss. "So, I hear we stormed out of the meeting with the Human Rights Committee--"

"--This isn't England, Josh, so reference to the royal 'we' is nothing short of irriating if not insubordinate, and I wouldn't allude to my exit as having 'stormed out' - I simply have better things to do with my time than be lectured at by a bunch of huffy bags of wind from the hill."

The senior-staffers exchanged a quiet round of concerned glances, but none dared to question the testiness of the chief of staff.

Sensing tension in the room as he approached, Bartlet smiled as he entered, forcing his voice to be cheery, "Well, good morning everyone. I understand Leo is being lauded the award for Best Angry Exit of the Day today."

The room nervously tittered with laughter, but Leo stared stonily at the president.

His eyes narrowing in concern, Bartlet said, "I see my chief of staff has left his sense of humor in his office, so I guess we've got nothing left to discuss except for the business of this country." Bartlet turned toward CJ. "What do you have for me, Claudia Jean?"

"Just a few notes regarding the Pan-American situation, sir. It seems that someone from our office did indeed make a mention of the Pan American General in the same breath with Fidel Castro, and neither the Cubans nor the Pan-Americans are amused."

"Sounds like a mutually exclusive fan club to me, wouldn't you agree, Leo?"

Leo sounded hollow as he muttered, "Um, yes sir."

Bartlet stared at his chief of staff for a moment, then returned his attention to the meeting. "Okay CJ, do we know who said it and to whom?"

"Not yet sir, but I'm working on it. Should have it for you by the end of the day."

"Good, thank you...Josh? Whaddya got?"

"I've put out preliminary voting feelers on the hill regarding the tax plan, but it'll take a day or two before I have anything solid."

"Fair enough... Toby? Sam?"

Ziegler piped up, "We're ready with the education speech for next week, but we need to set aside some time before then to go over it."

"You just can't resist telling me what to say and how to say it, can you Toby?" Ziegler pasted the president with his best scowl and Bartlet relented. "All right, I think Mrs. Landingham should be able to find some time in the schedule for you." He looked again at McGarry, who was staring out the window, "Leo?"

"Yes sir?"

"Anything on the gun bill?"

"Uh, no sir, but I'm having lunch with Richardson, should have something for you after that."

"Fine, fine. Okay everyone, I think that does it, thank you."

The staff cleared the room quickly, but Bartlet's voice called McGarry back, "Leo...a moment please."

"Yes sir."

As soon as the door closed behind Josh, Bartlet stepped closer to his best friend. "Everything okay today?"

"Of course sir. Why wouldn't it be?"

"You seem a little...distracted."

"I apologize Mr. President, it won't happen again."

"I'm not looking for an apology Leo; I want to be sure you're okay."

"I'm fine Mr. President, really."

Bartlet looked into his friend's soft brown eyes: he was far from okay. The two men stared at each other for a long moment. But knowing he had to let it go, Jed sighed, "Okay. I'll see you later then."

"Yes sir."

With worry clouding his face, Bartlet watched Leo quietly exit the office.

* * *

"Hey...what's going on over there?"

The president looked into his wife's smiling eyes, "What do you mean?"

"You go to the trouble of clearing your schedule so that we can have lunch on Valentine's Day, and then you sit there staring off into space." She paused for a moment then continued, "There's something going on behind those brown eyes, Jed, so don't waste my time telling me there's not."

Bartlet smiled in spite of himself; there was never any hiding from the woman. He smiled nervously, "I'm worried."

"Tell me something I don't know."

"I'm worried about Leo."

Abbey's face took on a look of concern, "What's wrong with Leo?"

"I don't know exactly. Something's bothering him, but he won't talk about it."

Abbey paused and leaned in toward her husband. "Jed, he's been through a lot. He probably just needs a little time to adjust."

"It's more than that, Abbey. Whenever he looks at me, even when he smiles, there's this...I don't know what to call it..."

"Sadness?"

"It's more than that, it's like a part of him is closed off to me." Jed gently took her hand in his. "He's shutting me out, Abbey, and I don't know how to help him."

"Jed, you know how much Leo loves Jenny, and the divorce cut him very deeply. It's going to be awhile before he'll be able to open up again. Just be his friend."

"He won't talk to me."

"Just be there for him."

"I am here."

Abbey leaned in and gently kissed him on the lips. "Is that a promise of things to come?" He asked smiling.

"Only if you're well-behaved today..."

The hearty laughter of the president filtered into the outer hall of the residence.

* * *

For the seventh time in an hour, Leo picked up the phone only to set it back down in its cradle. He told himself that he just wanted to hear her voice; he just wanted to make sure she was okay. But deep down Leo knew that was a lie. The divorce had been final for more than a month, and still he couldn't bring himself to remove the wedding ring that continued to cling to the fourth finger of his left hand. He loved Jenny no less than the day he married her, and he doubted that he ever would. The soft knock on his door disrupted his thoughts, and he looked up to see CJ standing in the doorway.

"Come on in, CJ."

CJ approached the desk, "Don't mean to interrupt."

"You're not."

"I have the scoop on the Pan American slip, and I was wondering what you wanted to do about it."

"Who was it?"

"A White House page. One of our pages made the comment to another page and a reporter overheard it."

"A page made an offhand comment and the press felt it necessary to cause an international incident? Unbelievable."

"Yes, I know. With your permission, I'd like to address this later today at the briefing."

"By all means, CJ, thank you."

"You're welcome," CJ answered as she headed toward the door.

His voice sounded vulnerable, "CJ?"

CJ turned to look at him, her brow slightly furrowed. "Yeah?"

Leo hesitated. "Um...never mind."

"What?"

"It's nothing, really."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

Sensing his discomfort, CJ turned quietly and left the room. Leo's eyes wandered to the picture of Jenny on his desk. He picked it up and studied it, noting the way the sunlight played off her hair. He set the picture down and opened up the right desk drawer, extracting a long jewelry box. He had purchased it over the weekend, although he couldn't explain why, for it was completely without logic. Leo knew he couldn't give it to her, but here it was in his desk anyway, wrapped in red paper, tied up with a pink ribbon.

And as his heart flooded with loneliness, his eyes filled with moisture. Once again he picked up the phone, only this time he punched some numbers on the keypad.

After a few rings, a woman's voice answered, "Hello?"

"Jenny...it's me." He was met with silence, so he continued, "I...I was wondering if I could come by tonight and talk to you."

"Tonight's not very good for me, Leo."

His voice was soft, "No?"

"No," she said firmly.

An awkward lull ticked by, and Leo cleared his throat before he spoke, the vulnerability in his tone causing Jenny to slam her eyes shut in an attempt to block out her own feelings of guilt.

"Oh," he stuttered, "Are you...are you going out tonight?"

"Leo...honey," she said gently, "I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you, but--"

"--You have a date."

Jenny hesitated, "Yes, I do. I'm sorry--"

"--No, it's um, it's okay." Leo had to swallow hard to maintain the evenness in his voice, "Do I, um, know him?"

"No."

"Is he a nice man? What does he do?"

"Leo, stop." She forced a harshness into her tone that she didn't really feel, "I don't need you to protect me anymore."

His voice was barely a whisper of hurt, "Okay."

Jenny closed her eyes and the slight tremor in her voice betrayed her emotions, "I'll call you, okay?"

"Call me when you get home tonight?"

"Leo..."

"Call me tomorrow then. Please?"

"Okay."

He gently replaced the phone in its cradle and glanced at his watch. He took a calming breath, slipped the red box into his jacket pocket and walked through the door leading into the Oval Office.

"Mr. President?"

Bartlet looked over his glasses at McGarry. "Whaddya got, Leo?"

"Richardson made it clear that he would support any bill we wrote that delivered all the guns, not just some."

"Does he not follow the logic of a few at a time?"

"He gets it, Mr. President, but he's not for doing it that way. And frankly sir--"

"--Yeah, I know, you're not either." Bartlet took a breath, then continued, "Look, Leo, I know you want a more progressive bill, so do I; the problem is, we'll never get it passed in Congress. At least not while the Congressional majority is Republican."

"Yes sir." Leo looked at his watch, "I know you have another meeting Mr. President. We can pick this up later."

Leo started out, but Bartlet's voice stopped him. "Leo..."

McGarry stopped as the president stood and walked over to him. There was an awkward silence for a few moments. Leo waited for Jed to speak, but suddenly Bartlet couldn't find the words.

"I...we...Abbey and I were wondering..."

"Yes?"

"Do you want to have dinner with us tonight?"

Leo stared unbelievingly at Jed Bartlet: he had to be kidding.

"Have dinner with you and Abbey on Valentine's Day?" A slight smirk toyed with the corners of Leo's mouth, "I don't think so, sir, no. And I don't think the first lady would appreciate that invitation, Mr. President."

Bartlet put a hand on Leo's shoulder, "That...that wasn't what I was going to say."

"It didn't sound like it, sir."

"I just want you to know I'm here, Leo. If you need me, I'm here. So's Abbey..."

Leo had to look away, the sincerity of his friend's words threatening to topple the stoicism he had so carefully cultivated. When he looked at Bartlet, his eyes shined slightly from the moisture that had collected in them.

"I appreciate that, sir, but I don't want you to worry about me." Leo paused, "I think I just need a little time, that's all."

Leo headed for the door, and emotional safety.

"I know you miss her, Leo."

McGarry turned to face the president once again, and the deep emotion in his voice tore into the fabric of Bartlet's heart, "Sometimes it feels so empty, that I think I'll just dissolve away from the grief of it, but then..."

"Then?"

A sad smile lit Leo's face, "Then I remember that people don't really die of broken hearts."

Bartlet swallowed hard as the door clicked closed behind McGarry. He hated watching his best friend languish in pain, yet he knew he couldn't force Leo to reach out to him; Leo would settle down in his own time, but the waiting period for Jed would be excruciating. It was the way it had always been between them.

* * *

Margaret was preparing to leave for the night, when Leo came out to her desk with one hand behind his back. She was dressed for a night out and already in her coat to leave.

He smiled at her, "Big date tonight?"

"Little date," she said matter-of-factly, "but what the hell, it beats sitting at home alone."

Leo's face fell a little, "Yeah, I'm sure it does."

Realizing her insensitivity, Margaret tried to back-peddle. "Leo, I--"

"--Hey, Happy Valentine's Day." He brought his arm out from behind his back, and handed her a bouquet of roses. "I saw these earlier and thought you might like them. I know I've been a little cranky lately, Margaret, and I'm sorry. I really do appreciate you, you know."

Margaret's eyes filled with emotion, "Leo, I don't know what to say, they're beautiful."

Leo tried to make light of her reaction, "You're wondering how I did that without having you do it, aren't you?"

Losing the battle against her own tears, Margaret just shook her head.

Leo laughed slightly, "Oh come on, it's just a bouquet of roses, Margaret, it's not like I bought you a new car." Smiling, McGarry shrugged into his own coat.

"Leo..." Margaret called softly, conflict coloring her face.

"Yeah?"

"I hate it when you're sweet to me," she said, grabbing him in a hug.

He whispered into her ear, "I know."

Margaret pulled back and smiled at him before walking out the door. Leo picked up his briefcase and headed down the corridor. The offices in communications were dark, Sam and Toby both already gone for the evening. Josh had left an hour before, and Donna not long after that. Leo wondered where they were all headed, and for a brief moment felt a tinge of jealousy that they all had somewhere to go. But as he turned the corner by CJ's office, he saw the reflection of a light coming from the crack under the door. He knocked.

"Yes?"

He opened the door and CJ was sitting on the couch, reading a file.

"What are you still doing here?"

"I had some reading to do, it's quiet, now seemed like a good time."

He studied her for a moment; it wasn't the whole story, "And?"

"And what? That's it."

"Okay." Not wishing to pry, Leo turned toward the door, saying, "Good night then."

CJ hadn't intended to tell anyone, but it suddenly tumbled right out of her, "He asked me out, but I felt that it was a conflict of interest, so I turned him down. He'll probably never ask me out again, not that that matters, because it's not as if I like him, like him, but in any case, members of the press corps should remain at a safe distance from--"

"--CJ..." She stared at him, and he continued, "You don't have to explain yourself to me."

"I know. I know that." She looked at him, "There've been a lot of rumors flying around, Leo, and well, I wanted you to know that I'm not dating him. It's a conflict of interest, and so I'm not."

"CJ, your personal life is none of my business, and whatever I think about Danny Concannon doesn't matter in any case."

"It does, Leo: what you think does matter. It matters a whole helluva lot to Sam, Toby, and Josh. It matters to the president, and it matters to me."

"That's because you're all a bunch of crackpots."

"No, it's because everyone respects you, Leo." He just stared at her, and CJ couldn't help but smile; he had never been adept at handling compliments, and some part of CJ Cregg found herself charmed by his humility. "Hey, earlier today...what were you gonna ask me, Leo?"

"When?"

"In your office, this afternoon, you were going to ask me something, and then you didn't. What was it?"

He could easily read the concern in her eyes and he looked down before finally answering, "I wanted to ask your opinion about something, but--"

"--My opinion about what?"

"I was going to ask you if you thought a woman who divorced her husband might ever reconsider..."

"Oh Leo..." CJ swallowed back her emotion. "Today's been pretty rough on you, hasn't it?"

"It doesn't matter now..."

Leo's voice drifted off and he looked to the floor. And in that moment, CJ Cregg knew that his heart was breaking, and there was nothing she could do about it. He was still in love with his wife, it was Valentine's Day, and he was alone. She walked over to him and gently tilted his face up with an index finger under his chin.

"I don't know if you can work it out with Jenny, I don't know what's between you; what I do know is that you're a good man, Leo. You're a good man, and a lot of people care a great deal about you." Her eyes looked deeply into his. "You're special, Leo, and if Jenny can't see that, I'll bet a lot of other women can."

Embarrassed, Leo looked away, then squeezed CJ's hand in thanks. After a moment, he headed toward the door. Then with a smile, he turned back to her, reached into his pocket and pulled out the red box, handing it to her.

"What's this?"

"It was a present for Jenny. I don't know why I bought it; I knew I couldn't give it to her. I'd like you to have it, CJ."

"Leo, I can't take this."

"Please," his soft voice implored, the sadness in his eyes tearing at her heart.

CJ studied him for a long moment, then nodded, and quietly, Leo left. CJ opened the box and stared at the sapphire heart on a delicate gold chain that was under a handwritten note. She read the words on the small card and tears of profound sadness rolled down her cheeks as she muttered, "Oh Leo..."

* * *

The lights of the city streamed by the car as it made its way through downtown. He watched the bundled couples strolling hand in hand, and he tried to swallow down the lump that had formed in his throat. There would always be a void in his heart, a place she used to fill. He saw a young couple step into a storefront alcove, melting into a passionate embrace, and it physically hurt him to witness it. He glanced up into the night sky trying to stave off the sting of tears in his eyes, and he remembered; he remembered what it was like to feel complete, and sadness quietly spilled onto his cheeks. But it was as silent as the emptiness in his heart.

End


End file.
